Ending is the beginning and other cliches

I wrote an ending. A truly hideous, hideous ending. It’s awful, quite frankly. But it’s an ending. It contains what I wanted to happen in the ending. It’s just… not well-written or even remotely good.

However.

I’m hoping that this will mean that mentally, I now have permission to go fuss over the past parts. To polish and fix them and get them somewhat presentable. I’d still love to have a sharable draft by January 1, 2011. Pipe dream? Quite possibly.

Truthfully I am really frustrated and I know my worst enemy is myself but–I don’t really know how to stop.

I’m terrified that if I work on it I’ll suck the life out of it. Everyone I know keeps saying stuff like “oh I can tell when you’re in the groove” or “I can tell when you’re having fun.” I mean, I know I can tell when a part flows really well. But sometimes that’s not necessarily because I wrote it in one giddy rush. Some of the best parts are, yes, but… if my entire story has to be made up of those giddy rushes, well, I’m never going to write a novel. Some parts are going to have to be parts I struggled with, and parts I rewrote a hundred times, and parts I just rearranged and reworked and twiddled with until I thought, “hey, I kind of like this.”

And some parts usually still suck.

I don’t know. I’m feeling horribly, horribly discouraged. But I’m sabotaging everything that anyone else says, and I don’t know how to overcome this. Any comment–even a good comment–is easily twisted by my brain into something horrible.

I don’t know. How can you defeat that? It’s like the inputs themselves have become twisted. Like the reverse of doofus confidence–doofus insecurity?? You no longer perceive the truth; everything, the entire world, is warped by your own critical feelings. How do you defeat that?

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1 Comment

  1. A giddy ending « LC Hu

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